Breath of Life

IMG_1491fbIt feels like the air is being drained from my lungs. It is getting thinner and thinner until I can no longer breathe. I poured myself into love and it used to feel gentle. It still does but no matter how much I deny it, I am slipping away. I convince myself it’s okay and I’m okay. I have no right to disrespect such love and give up on the person who loves me unconditionally. This has to be enough, and I have to be patient.

Maybe I shouldn’t be a nomad. Maybe I should be saving money for a house, settle down and have children. Becoming a mother is actually one of my deepest dreams but it’s not the right time. None of this is. I crave experiences and human interaction. I want to travel the world and share stories with others. I want to fly to Scotland and connect with the cheesiest soul. I want to volunteer as a nurse in an orphanage in Africa. I want to drive all around Australia and sleep on remote beaches. I want to learn how to surf and spend eternity in the ocean. Mostly, I just want to feel alive.

It’s almost summer now. Grey winter days are over. A few weeks ago, I left unexpectedly and went backpacking on my own around Italy. I woke up before sunrise and met a psychic while carpooling who told me I had to slow down and stop pursuing so many goals. He believed I needed stability and rooting. What does it even mean ? He said I’d get irremediably lost if I didn’t start listening. My boyfriend wholeheartedly believes this is what I need too. I got into a heavy debate with that stranger over life and expectations.

Society expects from us that we go to college, get married, have kids, settle for a career … I’m not saying any of this is wrong but you should question what society wants from you and what you really want for yourself. I’m a registered nurse and I’m so incredibly passionate about the patients I care for but I need to be just as passionate about my own existence. Finding myself. Looking for truth. Following my hungry heart. Experiencing pure, utter joy. This is what my soul strives for.

When I was in Italy, I hiked in the pouring rain without an umbrella. I walked through the fog for hours and the rain kept getting heavier. I was all alone, phoneless, in the middle of nowhere, with no idea when I’d be able to reach the next village. It was challenging but so brilliantly life-changing because during that hike, I pushed myself beyond my limits and really got to look inside myself. I explored my beliefs and in that moment, I knew exactly who I was. A pretty reckless girl for hiking in extreme weather conditions when I was strongly advised against doing so, sure. But a remarkably happy one, too.

As days went by, I befriended open-minded souls from all around the world. We lived in a remote hostel on top of a hill. I’d go for walks in the evening and eat cherries while listening to an Italian man singing opera with his parrot following along. I’d say ‘Ciao’ to every local and they would all cheer at me and smile so genuinely. My new friends and I would go out for pizza and share stories about life, cultures and dreams. As I went home to the hostel one night, I met with a boy from New Zealand. He had moved to Europe and I could instantly feel the fire in his soul. The way his eyes lit up when he told stories mesmerized me. The way he smiled made my heart race away. We got into a deep conversation about life and what it all means and it brought comfort to my soul knowing that he existed. Knowing that there are other human beings who have this intense passion for life. I guess the thought of not being alone is soothingly beautiful.

Coming back to my hometown always makes me feel like I’m out of step. A little part of me dies each time I give up on absolute freedom. I’m grateful for all these life-changing experiences because they truly are extraordinary, but they’re so short. I’ve never traveled for more than two weeks and I find myself questioning more and more the choices I make. Do they make me happy ? What do I really want ? I know the answer deep down, but I’m scared it will permanently hurt the people I care about, so I keep it quiet. However, I think I’ve reached a point where my heart can no longer remain silent. It is so eager to live and to love. It strives for this big adventure, and so I shall embark.

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One thought on “Breath of Life

  1. oh laura … you wild , magical , sincere soul ! your words are enchanting and come from such a place of truth and love , i am so grateful to have the blessing of reading them … and your images are poetry without words .

    and yep – i think you should definitely get on a plane and come to scotland !!!!

    xo

    Like

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