Golden hearts

IMG_0551Sometimes I wonder what it all means. What this life I’m experiencing is meant for. While traveling the world made absolute sense in my heart for the last decade, nothing has ever felt more right than this. Carrying life within my body. Feeling all the baby kicks and dreaming about the family we are about to create. I’m no longer looking for the crazy, unreachable things. I’m simply grateful for the simple moments in our lives and the love we get to share for one another. I guess this is what growing up is all about.

One of my coworkers found out I was pregnant and was mind-blown. I’m almost six months pregnant now and can hardly hide it anymore. We first met three years ago when I started working at the hospital and I was a completely different person then. He said ‘Look at you. Three years ago, you were mad at the whole world, running away at every opportunity and now you are having a baby. You look more peaceful than ever‘. It surprised me he thought I was mad. Most people usually perceive me as a candid dreamer who’s lost touch with reality. When I was younger, I wasn’t interested in partying nor being popular and having loads of friends. I was quite an introvert and my days would most likely consist of hiking mountains, writing in my journal and taking photographs. I didn’t think I was mad. I thought I just didn’t belong and needed to go out there and see the world for me to finally live to my fullest potential.

Now I know it wasn’t just about being an adventurer. It was about finding myself through bitter roads and finally coming to terms with traumas from my past. I think it is so important to accept whatever happened to you, forgive yourself and others and just let go. Otherwise blocked emotions build up within your heart and they consume you, wherever you are in this world and wherever you try to escape. Rather than flee my emotions, I now choose to feel them. I make the conscious choice to feel them all equally so I don’t have to be a prisoner of my own thoughts ever again. There’s nothing more beautiful than being alive and able to feel it all.

Love drives me. Love awakens me. It guides me through life and makes every hardship and mistake worth experiencing. I see us all as vessels of light navigating through oceans of love. I take comfort in knowing I’m not alone in this big wide world and we are all just the same. Dazzled by love and affection. Peace and joy. Yearning for long walks by the sea with the people we love the most. Soaking in every ray of sunshine day after day. Opening our wild, golden hearts and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable whatever life might throw at us. It takes courage to love but in the end it’s all we know and there’s nothing purer to life than love.

I ask myself millions of questions regarding our child and how I could become a better parent. It’s so important for Kevin and I to give our child everything he or she needs. To encourage our baby and never belittle him nor her. To acknowledge that while we might want to shape him or her into our own ideals, our child is already its own little person and we shouldn’t try to change that. That the world can indeed be cruel but that doesn’t mean we as a family should fuel more negativity and hatred. I believe there’s actually nothing more powerful than kindness and that we need more of that. More love to give. Freely and without condition.

I’m passionate about offering genuine praise and appreciation so our child doesn’t have to grow up feeling as insecure as we once did. I’m aware we won’t always be able to protect him nor her but we will do our best to ensure our child knows how much we love him or her. So maybe this way our faith can become our child’s guiding light through storms and rainbows.

It’s all going so fast. In two months, we’ll be moving out of our apartment and settling down closer to the sea. We just bought our first home and it will finally be big enough for the three of us. We’ll be waking up to mountains and palm trees and it all feels like a dream. We have worked so hard for this to happen and now it’s all about to come true. We’ll have a real kitchen with a real oven so we can bake an abundance of sweet potatoes and vegan brownies. We’ll have a bedroom dedicated to our baby where we’ll be hanging fairy star lights on every wall.

I’m excited to start maternity leave so I can wholeheartedly focus on myself before our baby is born. I feel like this will be such a special time to just be. Read positive parenting books. Play music in the morning. Drive to the beach and have it all to myself while I sip on green smoothies. Run into the water even if it’s still cold. Buy fruit and vegetables at the local Provence markets. Make colorful and nourishing plant-based bowls of goodness. Write letters of love and gratitude. Go on easy walks so I can still move my body softly. Create golden photographs in the sunset. Run to the door in the evening and spoil my love with kisses and fresh Italian dinner.

I find divine delight in everyday life. Simple yet strong meaning in bathing your spirit in love and cleansing your energy. I thought I would miss my monthly adventures to the ends of the Earth but it’s truly quite the opposite. I’m eager to wander back into the world once our baby is old enough to travel so we can all marvel at the universe’s beauty and strangers’ warmth and gentleness as one family. Brightly flawed but loving nonetheless. Until then, we’ll be nesting and resting.

Pregnancy is teaching me to slow down so I can reconnect with myself. It’s challenging and exhausting but I understand how essential it is I listen. I can’t push my body the way I used to, running and hiking steep mountains. I can’t stay active for too long and often need to nap once or twice throughout the day. I still get nauseous at times and have a hard time falling asleep because somehow our baby has settled on bed time as his or her favorite time to wake up and dance around in my belly. It’s all so surreal and part of me just wants to dance with our baby all night long. I’m sure these thoughts will be long gone four months from now once our little peach has entered the world and sleep deprivation comes to the surface.

Either way, we know our child won’t ever be a burden to us and will add tremendous love and joy into our lives. We are beyond thrilled to become parents and learn from this tiny human who’ll be changing our whole existence. Grateful that we could even conceive and that my body is carrying life right now. We met with very close friends of ours last night. They had a baby last year and their little girl has grown so much since we last saw them. She’s so bright and lively and would slither on her belly and have us all giggle. Kevin looked at her and wore his most sincere smile. The exact same innocent smile I fell for eleven years ago when I would sit next to him on the school bus. Alice – their daughter – grabbed Kevin’s nose and laughed. I never imagined his nose being a baby toy but we’ll definitely have to go along with it with our own baby now for the sake of minimalism.

Watching him interact with Alice as I am carrying our baby got me incredibly sentimental and proud. I would picture him with our own little miracle and I could already imagine the sparkling joy in his eyes and his sweet, childlike smile. I have always known in my heart that Kevin would make an incredible father someday and the fact that someday will become our reality in only four months is truly phenomenal. I could cry happy tears everyday and it still wouldn’t feel real. It might finally sink in when we are holding our daughter or son in our arms or we might just remain in utter awe our whole lives, telling ourselves over and over again our love brought into being the brightest, most precious essence of Life.