My Darling Baby Boy

IMG_1856You are growing within my body and becoming stronger and more beautiful each day. These past six months have gone by so quickly and I am so grateful to be your vessel guiding you upon this Earth. I hope you’re feeling warm and safe inside for the time being and that your Papa and I can always be that safe place for your heart.

We are so madly in love with you already and the idea of holding you in our arms in just a little over three months feels sublime. We have no idea what the future holds but we know in our hearts life will be even more magnificent with you in it. It’s funny how life goes, you know. We were once just like you, and in many ways it still feels the same. It still feels like we are just children or young teenagers falling in love. There will come a day when you are old enough and we can tell you the story of how your father and I met. The story of how we fell in love. And how you, my darling boy, were born out of this love.

You are the epitome of love and forever will be. My heart feels overwhelmed whenever I think about what our love created. How powerful and genuine it is, and how ridiculously happy you will make us. It soothes me knowing you will be entering this world without drama nor pain. We weren’t always this way but we have grown so much throughout the years and I am proud of how far we’ve come. I am proud of your father for he is the kindest, most caring human in the whole world and will do anything to make us happy. I am proud of myself, too for I have overcome many obstacles and insecurities and I finally feel at peace with who I am.

We are still learning everyday and we’ll keep on doing so alongside you, baby bird. You will be our deepest inspiration yet and our greatest adventure. Nothing will ever compare to you. We promise to love you and cherish you day after day, even through sleepless nights and challenging times. For we know even misbehavior is a way of communicating and a signal for help. We won’t be fooled into thinking you can be trained through pain or harsh words and we’ll wholeheartedly focus on building secure bonds instead.

We want you to feel confident and proud of who you are and who you’ll become each day. We want you to know just how special you are, and to always act with love and kindness. We want to empower you the best way we can and we need you to allow yourself to feel. It’s not easy being a man and embracing your feelings in a world that teaches you to toughen up but it’s far more rewarding to let yourself feel rather than flee your emotions and hurt yourself and others along the way.

This will be a long road but we have trust in you, little love. We believe in our family and the goodness and love we’ll create out of it. We hope never to belittle you nor put you down. We hope to build a strong and devoted bond of attachment between us as soon as you enter this world. In fact, we already feel connected to you. Your father doesn’t quite know what it’s like yet but I feel you everyday within me. I feel you growing and kicking around and being your own little person already. I love you every minute of every day and I am so grateful for you.

Pregnancy truly feels empowering in a way I never imagined it to be. Growing up, I had endless insecurities about myself and my body. I thought I would never be able to conceive a child yet here you are, all warmed up inside me. You will always feel like the most perfect miracle we’ve been gifted with. I have since learned to let go of all my insecurities and although I’m the heaviest I have ever been, I have never felt this much love and gratitude for my body and the flow of life passing through it. I am learning to befriend and nurture my body for it’s a vessel of love and a sheltered temple. It carries endless memories, beauty and pain intertwined in the brightest and most effervescent way. My body is a warm light guiding our son upon this Earth and I don’t think I could ever need anything more than this tiny precious life magically flowing through me and turning our world upside down.

It still feels surreal most days. As if it’s all just a dream and the most perfect life I could have ever wanted magically came true. I look back at my younger self and I feel speechless that it all unfolded so beautifully in the end. I was so afraid then. Fascinated by the Earth yet petrified to trust another human being. Meeting Kevin changed everything. We went through so much together and he has breathed life into me and allowed me to grow stronger and more beautiful than I ever thought I could be. He’ll make you feel so special too, my wild sweet boy. He has his way of believing in you so firmly and tenderly that you will feel like you can move mountains. And you will.

I have finally come to terms with the decision of putting myself first and going on rest leave until my maternity leave begins. My hospital shifts were getting more and more intense and although I was becoming more relaxed about my pregnancy, I felt so stressed and had little to no time to connect with our baby. I would come home feeling overwhelmingly tired every night yet still pushing myself to work harder and harder until I could no longer take it. I knew this was the right thing to do and my midwife had been suggesting so for months yet it can be quite challenging to take this step and let go of financial and societal pressures.

We are in the process of buying a home for our family and for weeks, I felt like I would let us down if I were to quit working. I felt pressured into earning more and more money but at the end of the day, our baby needs us more than he needs the trendiest sleeping nest or an exhausted mama too busy to breastfeed him. I’m not sure where I’m heading yet because I love my job as a nurse but if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that there is nothing I will love more than raising our son and nurturing his soul. I want to be there for him and I don’t want society to dictate how I feel. The older I become, the clearer it becomes. Love is my deepest desire and aspiration. It’s my one purpose and it’s not to be wasted.

It’s been four days since I left the hospital and I can finally breathe again. I get to wake up in the morning and interact with our baby for as long as I want to. I can make smoothie bowls every morning and take naps throughout the day. I’m able to focus my whole energy on our growing baby and nothing feels more right than this. I know now just how deeply I needed to pause and cherish this special time with our boy safely wrapped inside me. I’m grateful Kevin works so hard to provide for our family and that he remains kind and loving in every situation. I wouldn’t quite know what to do without him.

My favorite time of the day is when he comes home. After all these years, I always find myself rushing out the front door and jumping straight into his arms. He’ll double kiss me on the lips then on the forehead, just as he always does. I’ll help him take off his shoes, lie on his side and just stare at him until he makes a funny face or tries to chew one of my ears. He’ll make up a silly love song for me and I’ll wonder at how beautiful he looks. I can’t seem to ever tire of him and everything he’s becoming.

My parents and I grew closer through my pregnancy. We have had our ups and downs and I have wanted to break off all ties many times in the past but ultimately they are here for me and I can see just how much they love me. My mother is so proud to be having a grandson and she’s finally getting to know Kevin which warms my heart because I always wanted them to get along. Kevin feels much more at peace now, too and I’m grateful there’s no more pain nor drama between us all.

Kevin allowed his father back into his life about a year ago and they have slowly started to build a relationship and I can see just how deeply he needed this. He’s since learned to forgive himself and everything changed from this moment on. He’s no longer afraid and he finally gets to feel all the love his father has for him. It’s all I ever wanted, for him to know he’s enough and that none of this was his fault.

Was it ever someone’s fault? Why do we constantly feel the need to blame someone, whether it’s us or another human being? I have felt resentment and hatred before and it never helped me nor the person I was resenting. We are entitled to feel these emotions as long as we let them pass through and we don’t become trapped. I was stuck into a very dark place for so long, drowning in the past and blaming myself for my suffering and it gradually became a habit. I still go back there at times but I know better now. I have learned to forgive myself and to acknowledge my worth.

Kevin and I both struggle with low self-esteem and we both know just how damaging this can be to our mental health. I’d say we did a pretty good job at nurturing a new sense of worth and growing more love for ourselves but we still have a long way to go. In raising our son, we hope never to make that mistake. So many of us have been abused, neglected or put down and thus feel unworthy of ever being loved or cared for. This is wrong in so many ways and it’s time we break the cycle. It’s time we raise strong and compassionate children who’ll grow into loving and kind-hearted adults. It’s time we build the new generation.

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